Very Important Cat Business

HOLA and thanks for your email!

I got a cat and I no longer feel safe at home, so I am currently in the Dominican Republic letting my hair get fat. I'm still making payments on that Latin American Studies degree, so I'm putting it to use by knocking back a couple of Pina Coladas before launching into an impromptu history lecture on the Spanish Conquest. My friends and family love when I do that, obviously.

I know those people died from poisoned rum in the DR that ONE TIME... but I've already survived a trip to Cuba, a hurricane in Mexico, an earthquake in Colombia and a political uprising in Bolivia. Despite my total lack of preparation for literally any situation, I am still alive. I'm not getting taken down by a bottle of rum, okay? Worst case scenario I have a flight delay and a mild sunburn.

The cat (Jeff) will be monitoring my email while I'm away. She is a busy cat with very important cat business to conduct, so it may be best if you contact [someone else] if you need immediate assistance. Otherwise, I will talk to you when I return August 22.