If I don't come back, this is my last message
A Spicy Eulogy
My Dearest Sender, despite your wishes to the contrary, your email did not in fact find me well. It did not find me at all.
Don't worry, I still exist in a state of perpetual anger about daylight savings time and continue to demonstrate a magnificent inability to parallel park. My cat is still a jerk and there might be a gummy bear stuck in my hair right now. If you are reading this, then I guess global warming has not yet thawed and awakened an ancient dragon who will destroy us all... but I'm also still looking forward to that. Nothing has changed but my email address and probably my weight. (I'm going through a fat time in my life.)
I was never emotionally prepared to monitor two email addresses. As a result of my intense negative vibes and/or a hacker, the [former company] email servers are now haunted. (At least that is my understanding of the situation.) As such, this email address is dead and you are reading it's eulogy. If you still wish to reach out to me, my new email address is [new email address].
Thank you and have
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¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ * a Spicy Day!