The Perfect Shark Crime

Happy Memorial Day and thank you for your email! The company is closed for the holiday.

By the time you read this, I will be in a pool eating a hotdog wrapped in bacon. My friends and I plan to reenact a scientifically accurate version of the Little Mermaid, which is just a short video of Eric drowning. (Hopefully no one will drown, but my daughter is a nurse now so we have adult supervision.)

Though I love swimming, I have bad luck with bodies of water. Every time I go in the ocean I sustain an injury like a jelly fish sting or coral burn. If anyone you know is ever attacked by a shark, that person is 100% going to be me. I'm just hoping it's like a REALLY cool shark. (Imagine getting bit by a reef shark? Humiliating!)

Such accidents seem less likely to occur in a pool, but that's the narrative the sharks want you to believe. I'm definitely not going to be taking any shark precautions, so I'd never see it coming. It's the perfect shark crime!!! Whatever water injuries I sustain probably won't be serious enough to prevent me from returning to work, so I will be back on Tuesday, May 30.

In the extreemmmeeellly unlikely event that I AM attacked by a shark, please contact (another) so he can direct you where to send my "get well soon" candy-grams. Have a great weekend!