The Ocean Is Calling

Hi and thanks for whatever you've sent, I'm sure it's wonderful... but I could not be more out of the office than I am right now!

Don't worry, I'm not "12,500 feet under the sea in a carbon fiber tube" out of the office, but the ocean is calling me. It's possible that call I'm hearing is just the sound of the whales Orca-nizing (haha, get it?) but I won't be on a yacht, either. (I'll get concerned when an Orca eats my Honda.) IDK man. Seems like the ocean is a little sick of our nonsense lately, so I'm not gonna just IGNORE its call.

In this case the "submersible" is just me with a mask and snorkel. My loved ones have informed me that if I am attacked by a shark and/or whale, they will not honor my DNR because "it would be an awesome story" and "amputation of a limb technically qualifies as weight loss" (RUDE!) So I guess I'll be back July 10.

Plus, I'll probably spend most of my time doing low-risk activities such as drinking frozen margaritas while glaring at people and falling asleep on the beach while reading an out-of-print Christopher Pike book from 1993. In fact, I'm not afraid to turn my entire vacation into a nap. I'm a millennial, idc!

Anyway, I can't wait to consume the content of this email upon my return and take action accordingly.

If you like, REALLY need some attention right now please contact (my currently land based colleagues) and they will respond with maximum corporate whimsy.